Americans devote 70 hours annually to pushing petrol-powered spinning death blades over aggressively pointless green carpets to meet an embarrassingly destructive beauty standard based on specious homogeneity. — Ian Graber-Stiehl

Lawns cover forty million acres in the United States, the equivalent of eighteen Yellowstone parks. They are the largest irrigated crop in the country, with municipalities devoting almost half of their water use in support. Lawns consume seventy million pounds of fertilizer each year. The conversion of natural gas to nitrogen fertilizer for lawns leads to 70,000 tons of CO2 emissions per annum. Seventy-eight million homes in the United States…

“Never go outside again,” I texted.

That’s right! Never. Go. Outside. Again.

If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it is safer and less stressful to stay cocooned indoors all day and avoid all the trouble that comes from leaving our homes. Heading outside would require us to actually get out of bed, wash our faces, brush our hair, and maybe change our sweatpants for cleaner sweatpants,or even real pants. We might have to pull on both socks and shoes. This is a lot! If we get up and get dressed, we could no longer pull the blankets over our heads…

Michael Faherty

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